Internet and the downfall of Renji Abarai
by toadstooldevil
Summary: "Then could you please give me an explanation to why you would be protecting that piece of...!" he snarled. Renji is once again risking the wrath of Byakuya, but why? the story is better than the summary, i hope. M for bad words and maybe more later!
1. The three options

Summary: "Then could you please give me an explanation to why you would be protecting that piece of..._shit!_" Renji is once again risking the wrath of Byakuya, but why? the story is better than the summary, i hope. M for bad words and maybe more later!

this has not been checked so typo warning!

I flung myself between Senbonzakura and its target; i expected to feel those tiny blades shredding my flesh, spilling my blood, making ribbons of pain dance on my skin. But the only pain i felt was me crashing sideways on to my taicho's desk, rolling off said desk and becoming personally acquainted with the floor.

"Renji, would you kindly explain why you are protecting that abomination?" quietly spoke a clearly furious captain of the 6th division

"huh?" that was all i could say as i picked myself of the floor blushing slightly at my ungraceful _landing._

"Are you going to make me repeat the question?" he was getting more angry by the second, if i was any less of a man i would have been crappin' myself, scratch that I was crappin myself.

"no..uh..well..im..err." i stuttered, i don't even know what i was trying to say.

"Are you by any chance protecting it because you _enjoyed_ any par..."

"GOD SHIT NOOOOOO THAT ISN'T IT" ok when I look back on it I might have said that a tad too loud and i may have been a little defensive.

"Then could you please give me an explanation to why you would be protecting that piece of..._shit_" he snarled out, if possible narrowing his steel gray eyes even further than before, until they were just slits.

"Wait did you just..." I kept replaying it my head and he had defiantly done it, Byakuya Kuchiki had sworn...

A slow small smirk spread across his noble face really it was just a quirking of his luscious lips wha...luscious did i just oh...

"I would advise that you close your mouth before a hollow thinks it's a cave and tries to live in it" he said still smirking. Cutting my thoughts off and If possible my mouth hung even lower and my eyes began to bulge out of their sockets as I formed a list in my head:

**The impossible thing that i would like to see happen, but will never happen.**

**Ichigo like chappy**

**Rukia hate chappy**

**Byakuya have an emotional outburst of any kind**

**Byakuya ever joke again (yes he made a joke****once)**

**Ichigo not frown for more that 10 minutes**

**Urahara not have an ulterior motive while he helps someone**

**Me swim in taiyaki**

**Byakuya swear**

**Shunshi not talk about having sex/ trying to have sex with me at every possibility**

**Shunshi not try and have sex with Rangiku**

**Shunshi try not to have sex with anything that moved that is even vaguely attractive (man he is such a whore sometimes)**

**Ichigo ever tell Byakuya that he is dating Rukia**

"Ichigo is dating Rukia" came a cold voice

"Yer didn't y... i said that list out loud didn't i"

"Yes, you did fukutaicho."

"Dam...did i sa.."

"Yes, you said the whole list" he cut in

"Dam"

"You now have three options Abarai fukutaicho" he said in a tone of voice that would send even the espada running away with their tail between their legs.

"H..hai" never mind crapin it, i was fucking shitting bricks now.

"Option one: allow me to destroy that _thing_then apologise profusely, beg to be forgiven, work over time, and do both our paperwork for the next decade."

"D..d..decade" I stuttered.

"Option two" he carried on, ignoring me "you explain to me why i haven't been informed of my sisters relationship with Kurosaki Ichigo, and depending on your answer is how excruciatingly painful i will make your death." His voice kept deadly calm and i knew it probably wasn't a joke.

"Option three: you tell me why you are protecting that bullshit and why i shouldn't destroy you along with it, depending on your answer is if you will get to keep all your limbs or if i just kill you and be done with it." i gulped, this was bad, really bad, if only Rukia hadn't gotten that laptop, if only Rangiku hadn't found that website. If only.

My lack of sleep combined with not eating anything for the last week and the sudden stress of the situation was too much, my world went black.

_**FLASHBACK**_

I looked down at my desk and my desk looked at me. My brown desk looked at me, and at that moment i could've died happy. I had done it. I Renji Abarai had finished all 4867 sheets of paper work assigned to me. Unbeknownst to me a large shit eating grin made a home on my face.

"And what do you find so amusing about your desk Abarai fukutaicho?" If my taicho's voice could kill i would be in a lot of trouble.

Shit i had been smiling hadn't i, i mentally face palmed. Normally smiling wasn't a problem, but the fact that i was meant to be being punished at the moment made it a problem, my punishment being the absurd amount of paper work if you hadn't guessed. "errr well you see..."

**BANG!**

"THERE YOU ARE RENJI!" yelled/squealed the voices of both Rukia and Rangiku.

" i would appreciated it if you nock before barging into my office." seriously every time Byakuya used that tone of voice i could feel years off my life running away screaming.

"oh nii-san, oh sorry we didn't think you'd be here but we can come ba..."

"NOOO IT HAS TO DO WITH HIM AS WELL!" cut off a very existed Rangiku, and whenever Rangiku was excited someone always had hell to pay, this time it would be me.

"And what is it that has to do with me?" came his cold reply.

"I thought you'd say that!" Rangiku's chirpy voice sang as she danced over to taicho's desk.

"Come on Renji this is for you as well" Rukia yelled

I slowly walked over to the desk with a feeling of impending doom in my gut.

"Rangiku..." began taicho his voice implying that there would be some serious punishment if this was going to be a waste of time.

Luck bitch...wait lucky? Why would she be lucky? Punishments are bad...right? oh holy shit don't say i turned into a masochist while i wasn't looking just my fucking god damn luck!

"Well you see it all started when Rukia here let me have a go on her laptop and i stumbled across an interesting website named fanfiction..."

_**Duhn duhn duhn cliff hanger...sorry i just ran out of steam so well please rate and review, this is my first story and i really love the bya/ren pairing...so well yer...i don't know will finish this so please let me know if you want it continued...! =3**_


	2. Deals and Impressions

_**Flash back continued.**_

i'm really sorry for not uploading this quicker! i don't know when i will uplode the next chapter which i am writing and i really didn't check this one, so if it dosn't quite make sence please tell me so i can sort it out...angain please please please review it's nice to know if people like what i write or not!

"**Sweat covered his lithe body as he moaned wantonly "R...r...renji please." A hungry smirk spread over my lips. "mmmmm i just love it when you beg**_**taicho**_**" I breathed hotly into his ear filling the last word with as much sarcasm as i could muster. My smirk evolved into a very sadistic smile as he whimpered making the ropes that bound him dig into that beautifully smooth flesh. It was a beautiful sight. The great Byakuya was reduced to begging and pleading all because of a bit of rope."**

Silence enveloped the room when Rangiku paused to survey the damage caused by reading nineteen **M**rated _**"bya/ren"**_ stories in a row.

Well silence if you ignored the sound of Rukia muttering manically under her breath, while trying to wipe off that (seemingly) never ending string of drool that at the corner of her mouth.

Fortunately, (as nobody in the room had the desire to be obliterated) Byakuya had gone into a state of shock; either that or he was very good at pretending to be a statue. I personally doing a very good impression of a gaping fish (for those who can't imagine this, try thinking of a fish, then take it out of the water, bash it around and do unspeakable things to it, and that is exact expression i had on my face).

Slowly my brain comprehended what Rangiku had just said. "I _had always thought Byakuya would be more dominating",_ Was the first thought that flitted through my rapidly, dissolving brain.

I then saw two of the best owl impressions of my life, as both Rukia and Rangiku turned to look at me. It took me about three seconds before i worked out why they were staring at me like i had just declared that i was going to marry chappy.

I face palmed. Then i face palmed again. Then i slammed myself on to my taicho's desk, earning me what was going to be the mother of all bruises (really why are desks so hard?).

"i said that out loud...didn't i" i had spoke clearly (which is surprisingly hard when you're lying face down on a desk) but slowly.

Even from my position i could feel the evil grin that had crawled onto both the girl's faces.

"Well you did say something..." Rukia drawled with an uncanny rebalance to the way gin spoke; just before he made you wish you were never born.

"but unless you say again what you think you said, we won't know if what you think you said and what we heard was the same." Chirped Matsumoto. Her sentence confused my melted brain.

I could feel them inching closer like carnivores on the hunt. "So what did you think you said?" Rukia's voice had turned sickly sweet.

I wondered then if i should take a leaf out of the possum's book, and play dead, maybe the two evil masterminds would take pity and send me to squad four for mental stress. Fat. Chance.

"Soo" i could feel their breaths tickling my ear and neck as they edged waaaay too far into my personal space.

"Say it agaaaain..." I worked out that i had two options: one, i tell them what they want hear, never live it down and be constantly hounded for the rest of my life. Two, i try and make a brake for it, somehow make it out of the office, hide from them for the rest of my life and live in complete denial.

"See Rukia, torturing man is one of the best joys a woman can have; it's almost as good as sake!" at Rangiku's comment they both started sniggering.

Then a plan came to me out of the blue, it was perfect...well actually it wasn't but it got me out of the situation i was in so it would have to do. I immediately put my plan into action. I put one of my husky voices (yes i have many, i have my bedroom one, my i am going to obliterate you and your not going to see it coming one, and the one i was using at the moment named, the getting what i want/acting almost innocent voice.) and turned my head so that my cheek it was leaning on the table.

"How about you forget what i said before about Byakuya and I'll do you some _favours_" i knew they would be tempted at my _offer_ but i still dreaded just how much of my pride i was going to have to give up before they relented.

"Are you trying to bribe us? Because it won't work, we are respectable women who don't give in to such crude tactics" Rukia stated smirking.

"No, of course not, I'm just offering to make a deal." That was it. Those two little sentences of mine where the only things that separated me from my normal life, and a life of complete hell. All thanks to two particularly evil demons. I would have to lose some dignity, but if it worked it would be worth it.

"So what exactly would you like us to forget?" began Rangiku. Don't give in to such tactics my ass, but of course i kept this thought to myself...though i may have to practice doing that, as not keeping my thoughts to myself was what had landed me into this situation.

"What i said about Byakuya" i replied quickly.

"Which particular statement about Byakuya would you like us to forget, you've said a lot of things about him over the years."Rukia rebuffed.

"i would like you to forget me saying he would be more...d..dominating." i managed to keep my voice mostly calm, except maybe for a little shake near the end.

They both burst out laughing.

"ha i..ca..n't ...believeeeee...he...actually...said...i...t..._again_" Rangiku choked out in between hysterical fits of laughter, while Rukia actually managed to fall off the table (such was the force of her laughter) but as she fell she also managed to grab hold of Rangiku's arm causing them both to crash onto the floor with a thump, (luckily the laptop somehow managed to survive). This was followed by yet more fits of laughter. Which was followed by me groaning and wondering, what i could've possibly done to deserve this cruel fate.

Ten minutes of their hysterics later, and my patience finally snapped.

"SO IS IT A DEAL OR NOT!" i yelled, finally getting off the desk and rounding on the two evil hyenas I called friends.

They shut up and grinned, it wasn't a nice grin, it was a grin that said; _we have your life in our hands so, how should we screw with it,_in the nicest possible way, of course.

"First we have two decide what were going to get out of it." they said in unison their grins almost splitting their faces.

Twenty minutes later of taunting, auguring and being laughed at, we finally came to an agreement. For Rangiku I would buy her a month's wages worth of sake and do three days worth of her paper work (three days might not seem a lot but this is Rangiku were talking about). And for Rukia i would trick Ichigo to go to Urahara's shop, were i would then hold him down as he listens to his, quote, "long overdue explanation on why chappy is the second greatest being in all four worlds, coming second of course to nii chan." Luckily Orihime had just given me something named an i-pod (a devise which plays pre recorded music.) so i won't have to listen to that speech...again.

"Well now that that's settled i think i should be getting back to my squad" said Rukia picking herself off the floor.

"ohhh fuck dam it, i was supposed to pick up the third seats report on his mission three hours ago" screamed Rangiku after glancing at the clock, and as if on queue...

_**BANG**_ "MASUMOTO!" rang out the chibi captain's voice.

Rukia promptly took this moment to disappear.

"shit he found me." cursed Rangiku.

"WHAT WAS THAT?"

"Oh no nothing taicho..."

"oh really Masumoto, well if it's not too much trouble, then could you please explain where the report you were meant to get me, three hours ago, has gone." A dangerous combination of malice and sarcasm dripped from every word the captain spoke.

"oh well that you see, there is a very good explanation for that.."

"Which is...?"

"errr..." i couldn't help but snigger at her discomfort, Which earned me a very evil look from the strawberry blond lieutenant.

"I'm waiting..." Hitsuguya's voice made no effort to hide his amusement at Rangiku fumbling.

"well you see taicho i had the report and while i was walking back to the office when Renji came out of the blue and groped me..." she began smirking with and evil glint in her eyes that could have easily matched Aizen's.

My eyes began to exceed the limit given to them by my skull.

"...so then i was like _Renji what the hell..._ but he just wouldn't let go of me no matter what i did..." she continued blabbering obviously enjoying herself immensely.

I then decided to join my taicho in the statue impersonation game (but really how long was he going to be in shock for, maybe we should've taken him to squad four instead of ignoring him).

"...by then i had no other choice but to release my zanpakuto... sadly in the confusion of it all i accidently destroyed the report."

" I see..." said Toshirio nodding sympathetically

His little statement snapped me out of my little statue game.

"W...WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY _I SEE_ WHAT SHE JUS.."

"Renji Abarai if you will let me finish..." said the small taicho cutting off my rant.

"...what i was going to say was that, i see, i will have to destroy the store of sake that you've hidden in the office, as punishment for lying to a superior officer."

"huh" me and Rangiku said simultaneously, stunned.

Matsumoto was the first to snap out of our momentary loss of all brain cells.

"you mean you dooon't believe me" she pouted feigning hurt.

"no i don't... that wouldn't have ever happened." Stated Hitsugaya coldly.

"and why is that, are you saying I'm not beautiful enough to be groped?" her pout grew to astronomical proportions.

"there are several reasons why, like the fact i ended up collecting a very damage free report myself, and when i asked if you had come to visit, the reply was that the third seat hadn't seen you since last time the whole squad went drinking. which was supposedly yesterday, and i supposedly paid for it. but considering i never even knew the squad had a party yesterday i find this hard to believe. His tone promised of punishments yet to come.

Funnily enough i didn't think she was a lucky bitch this time. Maybe i wasn't as much of a masochist as i thought i was.

Matsumoto visibly paled.

"Back on topic, another reason is if you had released your zanpakuto so close to the office then i would have felt the rise in you reiatsu and come out to see what was happening..."

"see lying gets you nowhere baka" i smirked triumphant.

"...and finally..." the captain continued "Renji is gay so he wouldn't have any interest in you."

My smirk contorted itself from shock to rage in record time.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" i screamed

i really enjoyed writing this so i hoped you enjoyed reading it!


	3. The end of the flashback

"...and finally..." the captain continued "Renji is gay so he wouldn't have any interest in you."

My smirk contorted itself from shock to rage in record time.

" DID YOU SAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY" i screamed, my reiatsu going out of control, flinging two very surprised squad ten officers out of the office (via the wall), and destroying a lot of furniture in the process. Including the chair my frozen taicho was sitting on.

**Thump**

"Abarai fukutaicho" said an unmistakable voice from behind me. A feeling of dread swept through my body.

"...t...t..taicho" i was shaking, but whether it was out of rage, or fear of what Byakuya was going to do to me i don't know.

"i have come to a decision." I could hear the rustling of clothes as he picked himself up, followed by the scraping of metal as he drew Senbonzakura.

"yesss" adrenalin pumped through my veins.

"I have decided to destroy..."

Every cell in my body told me to run, or to fight; or least turn and face him.

"the abomination named _fanfiction_." He continued

I spun round to face him.

"huh" i made sure to sound reeeeeeally sophisticated.

"i do not like repeating myself Abarai" he said after a sidelong glance at my expression. Which by the way was a perfect replica of Ichigo's face when he found out that Tensa Zangetsu had been sleeping with Sode no Shirayuki*, Haineko*, Tobiume*, Tenken*, Kaseshini* and Hozukimaru* at the same time (which landed the berry in shit load of trouble, especially since Byakuya and Hitsuguya also found out, and nobody, i mean NOBODY, messes around with Rukia and Momo/their zanpakuto, and gets away with it).

Byakuya raised Senbonzakura to his lips.

Call me crazy or tell me i'm an idiot, but for some unfathomable reason i had to stop him, i just could not let him destroy the laptop.

"scatter..."his silky voice began. I took a jumping leap.

"Senbonzakura." Spread eagle I flung myself between Senbonzakura and its target; i expected to feel those tiny blades shredding my flesh, spilling my blood, making ribbons of pain dance on my skin. But the only pain i felt was me crashing sideways on to my taicho's still standing desk, rolling off said desk and becoming personally acquainted with the floor.

**FLASH BACK END YAY WOOP WOOP LETS GET TO THE SLIGHT MORE INTRESTING BITS.**

**ACTUALY THERES A LITTLE BIT MORE FLASH BACK... THIS IS FROM RANGIKU AND HITSUGUYA GET FLUNG OUT OF THE OFFICE...**

"see taicho that wasn't too hard" sang Matsumoto's chirpy voice out of the rubble.

I was not pleased.

"Matsumoto, i have been, sexually harassed by Shuhie, scared by Gin **(a/n SPOILER..in this gin survived, and the charges against him have been dropped and the seritie has excepted him back as a hero, which he is enjoying.=3) **and forcibly ejected through seven walls, and would have been seriously injured if not for my kido skills, all for you." I spat

"**Well that would be mostly true if you change seriously injured for killed and kido skills for pure luck... "**...your comment's are not appreciated Hyorinmaru" i snapped.

"**humph, i prefer it when Karin is around, you stop being so..."**

"so what..." i was getting seriously narked, but who wouldn't be when the only way to get your fukutaicho to work is to go along with some half assed plan to get to respected offices hitched, all for some _'fan girl dream'_, and if that wasn't bad enough I've got a zanpakuto who won't shut up about some human girl I know, and may have met a couple of times, ok she's really pretty, like she may be a kurosaki, but in the end she's just karin and she gets stuff so easily, she just understands, like i can talk to her about anything and she'll just be like 'don't worry it's fine all you have to do is this, this and this,' no matter what I'm worrying about she can calm me down, and i can be myself around her. It's like she's been sent down to guide me an..."

"**errrm master your blabbering again..."** interrupted a very amused Hyorinmaru, thus embarrassing me.

"SHUT UP" i yelled, amusing Hyorinmaru more.

"err captain." questioned Rangiku.

"WHAT" still nursing my recently hurt pride.

"you're talking to yourself, and isn't Karin Ichigo's sister?" said a clearly worried and now rubble free Matsumoto.

I blinked, and then I looked around to see several scared squad six officers staring at me. I quickly composed myself, thankful once again to Byakuya's 'how to act like a cold, heartless and cruel bastard lessons'.

"Masumoto i think it's time to return to our own squad we have business to attend to..." i calmly ordered before flash stepping away.

"hai" chuckled Rangiku before flash stepping after her tomato red captain.

**FLASH BACK END... REALLY THIS TIME YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS ! NOW FOR MORE OF THE FUN STUFFF! in the next chapter...=3**

**Oh and **Sode no Shirayuki is Rukia's zanpakuto

Haineko is Rangiku's zanpakuto

Tobiume is Momo's zanpakuto

Tenken is Komamura's zanpakuto

Kaseshini is shuhei's zanpakuto

Hozukimaru is Ikkaku's zanpakuto

I just put those in because i usally forget who they all are any way sorry about takeing so long...school is being horrible and not letting me fun =( ill try and update some more later =3 oh yer i really haven't spell checked this one so really sorry if i'v got the names wrong etc...


	4. For only fools do not read warnings

Reader/Renji pov

If Renji had ever been mentally disturbed before, it would have been nothing compared to this.

The red head was in a pitiful state, he was curled up in the fetus position, head resting on his head on knees as he mumbled dark nothings to himself. If someone had taken the time to coax him to sit up, they would have seen wide red glassy eyes, trains of what could have been blood (?) running from his eyes to his chin, a red frothy substance bubbling from his mouth in addition to a dark noxious heavy reiatsu rolling off him in waves.

To those of you who are wondering what could have been the downfall of such a proud fierce warrior, the answer would be the internet.

**_THE REVENGE OF THE FLASHBACK_**

Bourrrrrrrrddddddddddddd was the overriding thought in Renji's brain. actually all in all it had been a good day, he finished Matsumoto's paperwork, got out of that needle obsessed squad (the squad that is also known as squad 4) without a single needle braking his skin, and only two silent threats from Unohana taicho about looking after himself, (though squad four did have to fix a few broken noses), and had a really good round of training with Ikkaku. But sadly, a board Renji was a bad Renji, and a board Renji within reachable distance of Rukia's forgotten laptop was a very bad Renji bent on self destruction.

10 minutes later and Renji had finally managed to crack the password to Rukia's laptop (the password turned out to be yoaiboysmex4ever, how Renji worked this out is a mystery to this day) and surprise, surprise the first thing Renji saw was a very detailed fanfiction about Ukitake and Shunsui. Sprouting a small boner he promptly closed this page, well promptly closed it after he read all three chapters, and closed it by clicking his way round until he was at the bleach section of the site. Then he decided that reading a few more of these stories would be a good way to kill time, as his captain was in a meeting.

Now came the problem, which two people should he pick. Well he defiantly didn't want to read one about himself or his captain, he'd had quite enough of that already, though the second one Rangiku read out had been quite good, especially the bit when Byakuya tied him all u...

"ahem" 'coughed' Zabimaru.

Mind firmly off the question off which rope Byakuya would use, Renji decided that he didn't want to read about any of his close friends or the other lieutenants (he wouldn't be able to look them straight in the face again) an enemy was out of the question (Renji still doesn't quite trust gin so he's still an enemy). So that left Urahara, Yoruichi and most of the captains. Well he wasn't going to read about Urahara or Yoruichi knowing them they would probably have some gismo that meant they knew every time someone was reading fanfiction about them, and they would constantly haunt whoever that poor sucker was for the rest of their life because of it. Soi fon was out, if she ever found out (which is possible she is in charge of 'the ninja squad'), it would be messy and most likely involve some sort of castration and or the destruction of his balls. Which left Kurotsuchi, head captain and Unohana, as he didn't really fancy anything that could possibly distort his image of Unohana; he was really left with just the head captain of the 13 court guard squads and the chief freak of the 13 court guard squads.

Now any normal person would have seen this, calmly turned off the computer and waited in the empty office until his captain came back from the meeting. But remember a bored Renji is a bad/self destructive Renji.

Renji checked all the bars one more time... Genre: all Rated: T English Length: all Yammoto G.S Mayuri k. Complete

Before clicking search

To his dismay there were no results, but instead of giving up he decided to change the rating, and as anything below T would be childish (poor misguided Renji) he picked M.

This time one result came up and ignoring the warnings in the summary he clicked it.

Bad decision.

"**Spank me SPANK ME" Screamed Mayuri**

**as his eyes opened to just slits so that he could ingest the sight before him.**

**Mayuri was on his hands and knees, his powder white skin shone with another worldly glow. Purple tentacle like creatures writhed outside his ears, swimming in the blood of his latest failed experiments. The smell of old blood, burning flesh and a hint of poison would have have sent any other soul reaper heaving but not the head captain, to the head captain the putrid stink that filled the air was Mayuri's smell thus the most beautiful smell in the soul society.**

_**Smack,**_** the old man's hand connected with...**smash

Graphic images of blood, old men, gore and gruesome sex flashed brightly in Renji's mind, as he hurled Rukia's laptop towards the nearest wall.

'What the fuck is wrong with human's brain's the red head thought before unceremoniously throwing himself at the nearest bin to throw up in.

Just as he finished emptying the contents of his stomach, Renji felt the familiar presence of a hell butterfly.

"Renji Abarai you are needed to report to the soitaicho immediately this is an urgent matter, I repeat this is an urgent matter." reported the slightly distorted voice, from the hell butterfly.

"oh for fuuucks sake just what i fucking need, to see old man Yammoto now." Renji moaned before heaving one last time.

* * *

><p>So sorry about how long this took but my laptop crashed and my plot bunny went under an evolution...i had been planning to release it in time for Christmas =( also i might be redoing the previous chapters i'll let you know later, again none of this has been beta checked =P<p> 


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